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How to Deal with Kids Who Do Not
Want to Play After Making Mistakes
Lisa Cohn and Patrick Cohn, Ph.D.
Bob, a dad from Portland, Ore., faces a classic sports parenting
dilemma: His 8-year-old daughter, Rachel, played soccer for one
season, and now wants to drop out. She says it’s no fun
for her because she’s not as experienced as the other girls,
who’ve been playing since kindergarten.
Bob wonders: Should he insist Rachel give soccer another try?
Bob sees sports as a great opportunity for his daughter--who attends
a private school--to spend some social time with the girls in
her neighborhood who attend public school. He had urged her to
join the team when a neighbor invited her to join.
Insisting that kids like Rachel play another season of soccer
isn’t a good idea. If kids play simply because their parents
want them to play, they’re engaging in “other-motivated”
sports activities, which means they’re staying on the team
to satisfy their parents, rather than themselves.
Instead, parents need to ensure kids are motivated to play because
they want to take part in sports. Parents can do this by making
soccer, baseball or basketball fun. For example, Bob could play
soccer or another sport with Rachel—and her friends—in
a park. Kids this age love games like “red light, green
light,” and “sharks and minnows.” Children enjoy
it when parents or coaches integrate dribbling a ball into these
kinds of games. It’s possible Rachel will reap more enjoyment
out of soccer if she takes part in sports in this informal fashion,
and may be open to playing more often, even if it’s just
informally for now.
In addition, parents like Bob should talk to their children about
the kids’ concerns they’re not as good as the other
players. In this case, Rachel seems to want to be one of the better
players on the team. Bob might encourage Rachel to focus more
on the fun, and tell her making mistakes is all a part of learning;
mistakes are natural and understandable.
In fact, you can impart this message while kicking a ball around
with a child. Sports parents can make lots of mistakes and laugh
at themselves, for example. Also, when their kids feel they make
mistakes, parents should tell them it’s okay; everyone commits
blunders.
Not only do kids--like Rachel--refuse to play another season
if they feel they’re not “good enough.” They’ll
often threaten to quit playing a game after making a mistake.
One mom says that her 9-year-old daughter, after striking out
in softball, will stomp, cry, throw her bat down, complain of
injury, question referees’ calls and mouth to her parents,
“I don’t want to play.”
This girl clearly has set high goals for herself. On the one
hand, that’s good, because she’s likely motivated
to practice hard and improve. On the other hand, she becomes very
upset—and threatens to quit playing--when she doesn’t
meet her own high expectations. Again, it’s important for
parents of these children to ensure they’re not pressuring
the kids to perform well. Moms and dads need to tell kids it’s
okay to be human; they’re not expected to be perfect. These
parents should be sure that all their feedback is positive. Negative
feedback—“You shouldn’t have swung at that pitch”—will
likely increase a child’s desire to be “perfect”—or
the “best” on the team.
It’s also important to tell the child that she should finish
the game. It’s not a good idea to have a child quit in the
middle of a game. Instead, emphasize that the other kids depend
on your child. Tell the child that mistakes are a natural part
of learning sports.
Again, if sports parents can make athletics fun for kids and
remind children they’re only human, kids are more likely
to “stay in the game”—for this season and many
to come.
Lisa Cohn and Dr. Patrick Cohn are co-founders of The Ultimate
Sports Parent. Pick up their free ebook, “Ten Tips to
Improve Confidence and Success in Young Athletes” by visiting www.youthsportspsychology.com
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