{"id":12965,"date":"2025-09-25T14:57:32","date_gmt":"2025-09-25T18:57:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/?p=12965"},"modified":"2025-10-13T16:10:31","modified_gmt":"2025-10-13T20:10:31","slug":"when-coaches-pick-favorites","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/","title":{"rendered":"When Coaches Pick Favorites"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/picking-favorites-1.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/picking-favorites-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-12969\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/picking-favorites-1.jpg 600w, https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/picking-favorites-1-300x150.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"What_Athletes_Can_Do_When_Coaches_Pick_Favorites\"><\/span>What Athletes Can Do When&nbsp;Coaches Pick Favorites<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2><div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_82_2 ez-toc-wrap-center counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-grey ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\" style=\"cursor:inherit\">Table of Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><a href=\"#\" class=\"ez-toc-pull-right ez-toc-btn ez-toc-btn-xs ez-toc-btn-default ez-toc-toggle\" aria-label=\"Toggle Table of Content\"><span class=\"ez-toc-js-icon-con\"><span class=\"\"><span class=\"eztoc-hide\" style=\"display:none;\">Toggle<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-icon-toggle-span\"><svg style=\"fill: #999;color:#999\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" class=\"list-377408\" width=\"20px\" height=\"20px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\"><path d=\"M6 6H4v2h2V6zm14 0H8v2h12V6zM4 11h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2zM4 16h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2z\" fill=\"currentColor\"><\/path><\/svg><svg style=\"fill: #999;color:#999\" class=\"arrow-unsorted-368013\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"10px\" height=\"10px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\"><path d=\"M18.2 9.3l-6.2-6.3-6.2 6.3c-.2.2-.3.4-.3.7s.1.5.3.7c.2.2.4.3.7.3h11c.3 0 .5-.1.7-.3.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7zM5.8 14.7l6.2 6.3 6.2-6.3c.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7c-.2-.2-.4-.3-.7-.3h-11c-.3 0-.5.1-.7.3-.2.2-.3.5-.3.7s.1.5.3.7z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#What_Athletes_Can_Do_When_Coaches_Pick_Favorites\" >What Athletes Can Do When&nbsp;Coaches Pick Favorites<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-3' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#Tips_to_Help_Kids_With_Playing_Time\" >Tips to Help Kids&nbsp;With&nbsp;Playing Time<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#1_Let_Your_Child_Communicate_with_the_Coach\" >1. Let Your Child Communicate with the Coach<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#2_Focus_on_Effort_Teamwork_and_Attitude\" >2. Focus on Effort, Teamwork, and Attitude<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#3_Manage_Expectations_and_Emotions\" >3. Manage Expectations and Emotions<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#FAQ_How_Sports_Kids_Can_Stay_Confident_With_Lack_of_Playing_Time\" >FAQ: How Sports Kids Can Stay Confident&nbsp;With&nbsp;Lack of Playing Time<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-3' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-7\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#Related_Youth_Psychology_Articles\" >Related Youth Psychology Articles<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-3'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-8\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/#The_Focused_Sports_Kid_%E2%80%93_Digital_Download\" >The Focused Sports Kid &#8211; Digital Download<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n\n\n\n\n<details class=\"wp-block-details is-layout-flow wp-block-details-is-layout-flow\"><summary>Article Summary<\/summary>\n<p><em>Many sports parents believe coaches show favoritism when their kids don\u2019t get enough playing time. Jen Fry, a sports geographer and speaker, says this belief often comes from parents overestimating their child\u2019s skill and tying it to time, money, and private lessons invested. She notes that hard work, teamwork, and trust\u2014not cost or effort\u2014earn playing opportunities. Fry advises that instead of parents confronting coaches, athletes should learn to advocate for themselves by asking what skills they need to improve to earn more time on the field or court. Teaching kids to communicate directly and take responsibility builds confidence, accountability, and life skills that extend beyond sports.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/details>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents are very emotional about their kids&#8217; youth sports experiences. They invest a significant amount of money in youth sports, which raises their expectations.&nbsp;Because of these factors, they may feel that <strong>coaches favor other players<\/strong> when their kids aren&#8217;t getting the playing time they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s the word from Jen Fry, a TEDx speaker, owner of JenFryTalks and sports geographer, which means she studies how geographical factors, like terrain, influence which sports are played in specific areas.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We recently interviewed her for our Ultimate Sports Parent podcast. She often participates in conversations on social media groups and has found that <strong>favoritism<\/strong> is one of the topics that comes up most often.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&nbsp;\u201cI think that a lot of parents are underestimating other kids&#8217; skills and overestimating their kids&#8217; skills. And when I say overestimating their kid&#8217;s skills, they are tying it into the length of time that their kid has played club sports,\u201d she said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They also look at how many private lessons kids have had and how much money they\u2019ve spent on youth sports.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>All these factors don\u2019t necessarily mean kids get more playing time opportunities.&nbsp;But kids who work hard, do their job and are good teammates are often favored, she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cIs that enough to keep them on the court over someone who is drastically better. No. Does it give them a little bit more room for error because there&#8217;s more trust? Yes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents are more likely than young athletes to think the coach is playing <strong>favorites<\/strong>, she added. Then kids start to believe this, too.&nbsp;\u201cThe frustration of time and money is sitting on parents\u2019 shoulders, it creates more emotion and more expectation, way more,\u201d Fry said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Coaches should be as honest as possible about why certain kids get more playing time and others don\u2019t, she said. But this can create a Catch-22. &nbsp;When coaches are honest, sometimes parents complain to schools or leagues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Parents should not talk to coaches <\/strong>about perceived <strong>favoritism<\/strong>, she said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWe are in the business of teaching kids holistically how to be great humans. And a part of being a great human is advocating for themselves and setting boundaries, doing the hard stuff.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That means saying to a coach, \u2018I\u2019m not playing. What skills do I need to work on to play?\u2019\u201d Fry said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Young athletes should work on the skills identified by the coach. In addition, parents should teach their kids to advocate for themselves, she said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWhen it comes to the hard, messy stuff, the kids don&#8217;t have the skills. And the parents will say, \u2018Well, my&nbsp;kid&#8217;s&nbsp;really shy.\u2019 That&#8217;s fine, but your kid&nbsp;has to&nbsp;have a different push on it. When they&#8217;re on the court, they can&#8217;t be shy,\u201d Fry said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Tips_to_Help_Kids_With_Playing_Time\"><\/span><strong>Tips to Help Kids&nbsp;With&nbsp;Playing Time<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Let_Your_Child_Communicate_with_the_Coach\"><\/span>1. Let Your Child Communicate with the Coach<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Encourage your child to ask the coach what specific skills they need to improve to earn more playing time. This builds confidence, accountability, and self-advocacy instead of relying on parents to intervene.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Focus_on_Effort_Teamwork_and_Attitude\"><\/span>2. Focus on Effort, Teamwork, and Attitude<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Remind your child that playing time isn\u2019t determined by money spent or lessons taken. Coaches value athletes who work hard, follow direction, and support their teammates. These traits earn trust and opportunity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Manage_Expectations_and_Emotions\"><\/span>3. Manage Expectations and Emotions<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Stay calm and realistic about your child\u2019s abilities and role on the team. Avoid assuming favoritism and model emotional control. Your perspective shapes how your child handles feedback, adversity, and growth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Listen to the entire podcast with Fry on Apply Podcasts or Spotify:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-spotify wp-block-embed-spotify wp-embed-aspect-21-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe title=\"Spotify Embed: Overcoming Adversity in Youth Sports By Being &quot;All In&quot;\" style=\"border-radius: 12px\" width=\"100%\" height=\"152\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen allow=\"autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; fullscreen; picture-in-picture\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/embed\/show\/1uFN0yKpRJ6dYO3hItnMG4?utm_source=oembed\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"FAQ_How_Sports_Kids_Can_Stay_Confident_With_Lack_of_Playing_Time\"><\/span><strong>FAQ: How Sports Kids Can Stay Confident&nbsp;<\/strong><strong>With<\/strong><strong>&nbsp;Lack of Playing Time<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Why do some parents believe coaches play favorites?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents often tie their expectations to the time, money, and lessons invested in youth sports. When their child doesn\u2019t get much playing time, they may assume favoritism instead of recognizing other players\u2019 performance or fit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. What do coaches usually look for when deciding playing time?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Coaches reward effort, teamwork, attitude, and consistency. Players who do their job, support teammates, and show trustworthiness often earn more opportunities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. Should parents talk to coaches about playing time?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>No. It\u2019s better for the athlete to approach the coach directly. This helps kids learn to communicate, advocate for themselves, and take responsibility for their development.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4. How can young athletes handle limited playing time?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They should ask their coach what skills they need to improve, then focus on those areas in practice. Staying patient and working hard helps them earn trust and confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>5. What can parents do to support their child through frustration?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep emotions in check and avoid comparing your child to others. Emphasize effort, progress, and learning over results. Your attitude sets the tone for how your child responds to challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>6. What life skill does this teach young athletes?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Self-advocacy. Learning to ask questions, seek feedback, and take ownership of growth builds confidence and independence both in sports and beyond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Related_Youth_Psychology_Articles\"><\/span>Related Youth Psychology Articles<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/helping-young-athletes-with-coaches-who-yell\/\">Helping Young Athletes with&nbsp;Coaches Who Yell<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/how-youth-sports-coaches-can-build-resilience-in-kids\/\">How Youth Sports Coaches Can Build Resilience in Kids<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/coaches-ensure-kids-love-their-sport\/\">Coaches: Ensure Kids Love their Sport<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity is-style-dots\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"block-2af4b66a-7a25-46fc-b627-e07fc2853075\"><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"The_Focused_Sports_Kid_%E2%80%93_Digital_Download\"><\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.peaksports.com\/products\/the-focused-sports-kid-digital\" title=\"\">The Focused Sports Kid &#8211; Digital Download<\/a><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-full is-resized\" id=\"block-59efff1d-7aae-4218-86ef-46a87932eb50\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/confident-sports-kid-small.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"225\" height=\"250\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/confident-sports-kid-small.jpg\" alt=\"The Composed Sports Kid\" class=\"wp-image-11169\" style=\"width:160px\"\/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>\u201cThe Focused Sports Kid\u201d helps sports kids who get easily distracted and can\u2019t maintain their focus in competition. In this program, you and your athlete learn concentration-boosting strategies to help young athletes develop laser focus during competition. \u201c<em>The Focused Sports Kid<\/em>\u201d is two programs in one. You get a manual and Audio program for parents\/coaches, and a PDF workbook and audio programs for young athletes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>\u201cWe just completed the first ten tips,&nbsp;it has helped tremendously&nbsp;for (our daughter) and us. We\u2019ve learned to keep our behavior and comments in check. She\u2019s&nbsp;letting mistakes happen&nbsp;and&nbsp;not worrying about them, she\u2019s&nbsp;now just moves on&nbsp;to the next play with the same attitude as before the mistakes. She\u2019s&nbsp;playing more aggressively&nbsp;all game. Her coach even mentioned that whatever we are doing, keep doing because&nbsp;it\u2019s working.\u201d*<\/em><strong><br>~Scott, Sports Dad<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"gb-container gb-container-824409d4\">\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-horizontal is-content-justification-center is-layout-flex wp-container-core-buttons-is-layout-499968f5 wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-25\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-medium-font-size has-custom-font-size wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/shop.peaksports.com\/products\/the-focused-sports-kid-digital\" style=\"border-radius:9px\">DETAILS<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button has-custom-width wp-block-button__width-25\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-medium-font-size has-custom-font-size wp-element-button\" href=\"https:\/\/shop.peaksports.com\/products\/the-focused-sports-kid-digital\" style=\"border-radius:9px\">BUY NOW<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What Athletes Can Do When&nbsp;Coaches Pick Favorites Parents are very emotional about their kids&#8217; youth sports experiences. They invest a significant amount of money in youth sports, which raises their expectations.&nbsp;Because of these factors, they may feel that coaches favor other players when their kids aren&#8217;t getting the playing time &#8230; <a title=\"When Coaches Pick Favorites\" class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/when-coaches-pick-favorites\/\" aria-label=\"Read more about When Coaches Pick Favorites\">Read Sport Psychology Tip<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12973,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[264,301,117],"class_list":["post-12965","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-kids-in-sports","tag-confidence-in-young-athletes","tag-pressure-in-youth-sports","tag-youth-sports-psychology"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12965","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12965"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12965\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12973"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12965"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12965"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.youthsportspsychology.com\/youth_sports_psychology_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12965"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}