Youth coach Doug Donaldson says he knows intuitively when one of his young athletes feels pressured by a parent’s expectations. And he also knows the problems such well-meaning expectations can create in young athletes.
For example, one of his player’s mothers wants the child to play goalie in Lacrosse. But when the mother isn’t listening, the boy says he wants to play defense. “It’s a real quandary for him. He’s looking for Mom and worrying about what Mom thinks.”
Donaldson says he can sense when his young athletes are driven to do something to meet their parents’ expectations. They feel pressured. “This affects their passion and their interest,” he says.
How do parents’ and coaches’ expectations affect kids’ passion and interest? Not in good ways. Not in ways that improve their mental game–or performance.
Parents and coaches need to understand the difference between helping kids strive for a goal and placing expectations on them…
When kids strive for a goal, it’s a continuous process and the goal is not set in stone.
When parents place expectations on kids, they’re pressuring them. Even the phrase “Score 10 or more points today,” as well-meaning as it might be, will feel like pressure to kids. They’ll take on such expectations as their own.
Too often, parents and coaches demand perfection. They don’t want kids to make mistakes, and berate them for making mistakes.
If you ask the kids, they’ll tell you that these types of expectations cause them to feel afraid of making mistakes and failing. And, as we’ve told our readers over and over, this isn’t a good thing.
When kids develop fear of failure or fear of mistakes, they play tentatively. They don’t want to take risks. They play a controlled game and perform badly.
Want to learn more about how to improve kids’ confidence and your sports parenting skills? You can begin by listening to our interview with Donaldson.
If you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access the audio today:
Have your sports kids ever had a coach who yelled at, insulted or intimidated them? If so, read on. We’ve got some tips—and warnings—for you about what we call “bully coaches.”
First of all, our warning. Coaches who teach by being negative or intimidating can really hurt your kids’ confidence and enjoyment of sports. No, these coaches do NOT toughen up your young athletes, as they might insist. They don’t improve kids’ performance, either.
Actually, coaches who bully—either with harsh words or physical harm—can hurt young athletes’ self-esteem, undermine their social skills and make it hard for them to trust. In some cases, these coaches can make kids feel anxious and depressed.
What’s more, coaches who use such negative feedback are generally focused too much on one thing: winning the game or competition. They give kids the message that winning is everything. That makes kids focus too much on outcomes—such as the score or win. It can prevent them from reaping the social and emotional benefits of taking part in sports.
Focusing too much on the score or win also can hurt kids’ performance. They often develop fear of failure. That means they stop taking risks and they play too tentatively. That’s because they’re afraid the coach will yell at them.
Watch for signs that your sports kids are being bullied. They may be afraid of the coach, focus too much on trying to impress the coach, and they may be afraid of going to practice. They may say they want to quit the team.
You, as parents and coaches, can do a lot to help kids who are bullied by their coaches. If you see or hear about a coach who yells at, intimidates or insults kids, you should take action. If you merely sit back and complain, you’re part of the problem. Instead, you need to begin by talking to the coach. You can gently suggest that his or her behavior may hurt kids’ confidence.
If that doesn’t work, you can file a complaint with the coach’s superiors in the league. If nothing else works, you should consider finding a new team for your young athlete.
Want to learn more about coaches who bully in sports? We recently completed an article about this topic. If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access it here:
At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we offer loads of resources designed to help improve your sports parenting skills and your young athletes’ enjoyment of sports. For example, members can download these e-books:
Appreciate Your Talents: How to Stop Making Comparisons
12 Pre-game Tips to Help Kids Trust what they Learned in Practice
7 Strategies to Help Sports Kids Stay Composed after Making Mistakes
But that’s not all. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download more than 17 e-books—some written for parents and some specifically for sports kids. You can also access audio and video programs and articles that help you and your young athletes get the most out of their physical talent. We’ll soon be offering more resources about bullying in sports—a topic that our readers say they need help with.
Help your sports kids reap all the physical, emotional and social benefits of taking part in sports:
What exactly is going on in the minds of young athletes when they throw a bat after striking out, storm out of a gym after a loss, or cry when their team suffers a big upset? And how should you deal with this behavior?
First of all, if you really want to understand the young athlete, don’t judge such behavior, says Gary Kramer, founder of Inner-Sports, which is an innovator in behavioral evaluation and coaching.
Before parents and coaches react to such behavior, they need to try to understand what’s behind it, he says.
Why is this important to you as sports parents and coaches? Because some kids lash out often in sports—and how you deal with it will either boost their confidence or undermine it.
“Let’s try not to focus on the behavior,” suggests Kramer. “If we do, parents and coaches will say, ‘You can’t do that. It’s not acceptable.’ But when we do this, the child becomes angrier or resistant.”
Instead, parents and coaches need to focus on kids’ state of mind. It’s important to try to understand kids’ level of well-being at the moment, he says.
If young athletes are experiencing generally high levels of well being—if they had a good day in school, for example—they’re less likely to lash out. But if they’re experiencing low levels of well-being, they’re more likely to display what’s considered bad or angry behavior.
When young athletes do display this type of behavior, it’s time for parents and coaches to call a time-out, he says. Wait until everyone cools off before addressing the issue.
Here at the Ultimate Sports Parent and Kids’ Sports Psychology, we, like Kramer, stress the importance of communicating well with young athletes—whether or not they’ve just lashed out.
It’s critical for parents and coaches to show empathy for their young athletes. Rather than judging kids, you want to understand where they are coming from. When they tell you they had a bad day and played poorly because of it, listen to them. Don’t offer suggestions. Let them know you hear what they’re saying.
Good communicators not only are good listeners, they also are careful about the words they use. It’s critical to be positive with young athletes. You don’t want to focus on their mistakes or losses. If you focus too much on mistakes and losses, your kids will become hyper-sensitive. They may develop fear of failure. That can lead to poor performance because kids will fear taking risks and making mistakes.
Want to learn more about how to improve kids’ confidence and your sports parenting skills? Visit www.kidssportspsychology.com. If you’re already a member, you’ll find loads of resources, including these e-books:
Growing From Adversity: How to Stay Confident after Failure (for sports kids)
Building Self-Confidence in Sports—for Kids 10 and Under
7 Strategies to Help Sports Kids Stay Composed after Making Mistakes
But that’s not all. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download more than 17 confidence-building e-books—some written for parents and some specifically for sports kids.
You can also access audio and video programs and articles that help you and your young athletes get the most out of their physical talent. Help your sports kids reap all the physical, emotional and social benefits of taking part in sports:
Youth Sports Psychology expert Dr. Patrick Cohn of Kids’ Sports Psychology explains why athletes become frustrated during competition and what coaches and parents can do about it. Help young athletes identify frustration-producing thoughts and modify them so your young athletes can reap the many benefits of improved composed during competition.
