Frustrated parents and coaches of young athletes contact us everyday about their kids’ inability to handle mistakes or cope with imperfection in sports. As a matter of fact, 43% of sports parents and coaches we surveyed agreed that kids struggle to let go and stay composed after mistakes.
For this reason, we have an exciting new Workbook and CD program for parents, coaches, and their young athletes--available at the end of the week. However, you can preview our new program, The Composed Sports Kid, by watching the video below. Learn how to help your kids cope better with frustration today!
In this short video,
Learn the #1 reason kids get frustrated!
Discover why kids shut down after mistakes!
Find out the fastest way to help kids cope with mistakes!
Learn why one simple strategy can help your kids have more fun in sports!
I have a special announcement for you today, but first I want to share a parent’s story with you…
Over the last few weeks, several parents and coaches posted comments on our video about why kids become frustrated in sports. If you missed the first two videos in this series, you can watch it on our blog:
As a matter of fact, parents contact us every day with their stories. One sports parent describes how his son gets easily
angry:
“My 14-year-old son has such high expectations for himself. If he does not hit the golf ball perfectly, or if he strikes out at baseball, he gets angry with himself. How do we get him to just have fun and let go of the mistakes?”
If you can relate to this parent’s story, your kids’ high expectations are one reason they shut down, cry, or lose their temper in practice and competition–when things don’t go according to plan.
What kids are most likely to have emotional tantrums on the field, court, or course?
Kids who are super competitive and hate to lose.
Kids who work hard in practice and are highly motivated to succeed.
Kids who demand a lot from themselves via their personal outcome expectations.
Kids who have a need for approval from others such as parents and coaches.
Kids who want to perform perfectly and can’t stand it when they mess up.
If your athletes fit one or more of the above profiles, help is on the way. I know you want what’s best for your athletes’ success and happiness in sports. I know I do. And parents should not blame themselves because their kids get upset easily after making mistakes.
I understand that coping with frustration is a tough challenge for both young athletes and their parents. Over 40% of parents we surveyed said their kids struggle with this issue…
For this reason, I’ve been working for six months to find a solution to cut through the clutter so I can help you and your kids overcome the ‘costly’ problems associated with frustrationand anger in sports.
It’s costly because their emotional state effects your kids enjoyment and participation in sports. The number one reason kids drop out of sports is because they no longer have fun. When kids are frustrated, angry, or upset about their performance, they can’t have fun.
Making matters worse, parents, in their attempt to help kids improve emotional control and reduce their frustration, they often aggravate kids more. The more you punish the negative behaviors of anger and frustration, the more kids resent you.
But as I have said in previous videos, you can’t help kids improve by focusing on the negative behaviors. You must help your athletes modify their beliefs, expectations, and level of self-acceptance.
If all goes well, by next Friday I’ll have the solution for you. The new program will focus on helping you help kids who get upset, frustrated, or angry, particularly after mistakes or experiencing setbacks during sports.
Next week, you can watch a new video, which reveals my number one secret for helping athletes relax and cope with mistakes.
But if you have not seen my first two videos on this topic, you can watch them on our blog now:
p.s. I’m working on a new video to show you an example of how you can modify your kids’ expectations so they can relax and let go of anger. It’s not rocket science. And you don’t need a doctorate in psychology to help your kids improve.
Just how many ways can young athletes sabotage their sports performance?
In lots of ways, says Dr. Harold Shinitzky, a sports psychologist and author of “Your Mind: An Owner’s Manual for a Better Life.”
“A lot of athletes, based on how they think of themselves, engage in behaviors that interfere with their ultimate performance. That’s the saboteur,” he says.
Examples? When kids decide to eat poorly, get little sleep, or engage in other activities that trip them up, they’re sabotaging themselves, he says. They also think in ways that sabotage their performance and happiness.
For example, one golfer placed unobtainable demands on himself about his putting. If he missed a putt, he’d dwell on the next one so much he’d trip himself up. “He was setting himself up for failure by holding himself up to unobtainable goals,” says Shinitzky.
Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we call this holding high expectations. When kids have such high expectations, they get frustrated when they don’t meet them. They then don’t perform well.
The solution: Help your young athletes manage their own expectations. They need to focus on small, achievable mini-goals—make four good shots on the goal, for example–rather than on getting big wins.
Another way that athletes set themselves up: They focus on their opponents, not on their own play. This hurts their performance.
Here’s an example: When golfers compete with Tiger Woods, they focus so much on the fact that they’re competing with Woods that they average one stroke worse than usual!
“It’s not that Tiger is changing them. Instead of focusing on their own behavior—which they can control—they focus on an external distraction,” he says.
We call this making comparisons. We think kids need to be aware of when they’re making comparisons–and should take efforts to stop doing this…
They need to understand that making comparisons generally lowers sports kids’ self-confidence. Instead, kids need to change what they focus on. They need to focus on what they should do to get the job done. They shouldn’t put other players on a pedestal.
Kids’ Sports Psychology offers loads of other resources for helping you be the best sport parent possible and help your kids make the most of their physical talent.
If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can begin by listening to our interview with Shinitzky about kids’ sabotaging their performance. Also free for Kids’ Sports Psychology members are access to e-books, audios and videos that address these topics (and more):
Appreciate Your Talents: How to Avoid Making Comparisons (e-book for kids)
Pre-competition Mental Game Review Sheets for Young Athletes (e-book for kids)
Confidence Video Tip 14: Postgame Tips to Grow Confidence (video for kids)
But that’s not all. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download more than 17 e-books—some written for parents and some specifically for sports kids.
You can also access audio and video programs and articles that help you and your young athletes get the most out of your sports experience.
Here’s what one member recently wrote:
“I would like to take this opportunity to thank you and your team for all the support you have and are still giving to me and the countless others within the sports world. I can’t thank you enough for the knowledge that you have bestowed upon us!”
Help your sports kids improve their inner self-talk and manage expectations that sabotage their performance:
One of our readers, a caring sports mom, has this confession to make: “I am guilty! I am a frustrated but well-meaning mother who has put pressure to perform on my children.”
This is an important realization for this sports mom. She understands that pressure from parents does not help young athletes succeed. In fact, it can cause kids to lose confidence and drop out of sports.
Read on, and you’ll discover that’s exactly what’s happening in this family’s case—and how to avoid this sports mom’s situation.
The mother of two young athletes says that she’s been exerting pressure on her youngest daughter for two reasons: First, the young athlete dreams of playing basketball in college and—second—the mom doesn’t want her daughter to quit basketball, like her older sister did.
To sum it up, the older daughter had a bad experience with a coach who seemed to favor his own daughters. The older daughter quit the team. Now the younger daughter has the same coach, and she’s sitting on the bench.
“So to compensate, I pressured her to work harder, thinking that would help, but it’s only made things worse. She’s lost her confidence and is now believing the coach when he says she doesn’t have what it takes.”
The youngest, who won awards in basketball last year, has said she wants to quit basketball altogether–unless her mother attends all the practices!
This is clearly a difficult situation. However, as this mother now realizes, pressuring her daughter to perform better was not the answer.
As we’ve explained before, it’s critical for parents and coaches to recognize the difference between helping kids achieve their goals, which aren’t cast in stone, and pressuring them to perform.
When you have high expectations for your kids, it often feels like pressure to them. In this case, this well-meaning mother’s expectation that her youngest daughter excel in the face of huge challenges–a difficult coach who favored his own kids–certainly was a lot of pressure.
It probably felt to the daughter like she was expected to achieve the impossible.
When young athletes experience these kinds of expectations, they get frustrated and lose confidence when they don’t meet the expectations. As we’ve explained before, losing confidence never boosts a young athlete’s performance.
Remember, too, that even at the high school level, some kids participate in sports to be with friends and to have fun. Before you decide how and where your kids should play sports, be sure to check in with them first.
Don’t make any assumptions. It’s important for you to understand why they’re playing and what level of play they want to participate in.
One coach we know asks his new players and parents to separately complete a survey. The survey asks both kids and parents what they expect the young athlete to get out of sports.
This is a good idea. It gives the coach some perspective about expectations and potential conflicts between the athlete’s and the parent’s expectations.
Want to learn more about how to improve kids’ confidence and your sports parenting skills? At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we have loads of resources for you. If you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access our resources for free.
You’ll gain access to e-books and audios that address these topics (and more):
Growing From Adversity: How to Stay Confident after Failure (e-book for sports kids)
Improve Young Athletes’ Motivation with Goal Achievement (e-book for parents)
How Can Parents Boost Confidence? (video)
But that’s not all. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download more than 17 e-books—some written for parents and some specifically for sports kids.
You can also access audio and video programs and articles that help you and your young athletes get the most out of their physical talent.
Learn how to avoid pressuring your kids and how to ensure they stay in sports!
P.S. If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can visit this page to view our e-book that helps kids focus. Helping kids learn how to focus is a great way to help them deal with difficult situations like the young athlete’s discussed in this letter:
