In a recent interview, he told us that when his team is down, or if he makes mistakes, his confidence starts to slip—until he reminds himself that it’s important to focus on having fun.

“I forget my mistakes and tell myself that no matter what happens, we’re in this for fun and we’re just going to have fun.”

Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we like Jacob’s attitude. In fact, we want kids to focus on having fun. Why, you may ask?

Focusing on fun helps kids play better.

Here’s why.

When Jacob makes mistakes or when his team is down, he’s probably tempted to berate himself, call himself negative names, and worry too much about the score. When kids do this, they fall into a terrible trap. They become afraid to fail. And that’s bad news.

Kids who are controlled by their fear of failure play tentatively. They stop taking risks, which is a key to growing and playing well. Rather than getting in the game, taking risks, and making things happen, they play to avoid making mistakes. That’s a real no-no.

However, if kids tell themselves they’re in this to have fun, they loosen up, forget about their fears and take risks. This can help them start to make things happen on the court or field.

As sports parents and coaches, you can help kids focus on fun. Here are just a few tips:

*Be sure to focus on what they did well during a game.

*Help them “let go of” mistakes by giving them a flushing sign that means “flush it away!”

*Rather than saying “Score 10 points” to your sports kids before games, tell them, “Have fun out there!”

*Understand what makes sports fun for your kids, and then support that. For example, if it’s fun for your child to go to a game along with a friend, make sure the two are driven to games together.

Do you want to learn more about how to help your kids have fun, gain more confidence, and make the most of their sports experience?

Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we can help you do just that. Our resources, available only to exclusive members, include:

*“Seven Strategies to Help Kids Stay Composed After Making Mistakes,” an e-book written specifically for sports kids;

*Ask the Expert: “My son isn’t having as much fun as he used to!” with a response from Dr. Patrick Cohn

*Audio interview with youth sports expert Dr. Gary Brazina about how to put the fun back in sports.

What are folks saying about us? We often receive unsolicited compliments from our readers and members. These compliments make our day!

Just today, an email came across our desk from a sports mom:

“I love your work!”

Help your kids have fun and make the most of their physical talents.

Kids’ Sports Psychology

P.S. If you’re an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member and would like to watch our “Inside The Minds of Young Athletes” video interview with Jacob, click here:

Interview with Jacob

Thanks,

Patrick J. Cohn, Ph.D.
Master Mental Game Coach

But who should do it–the parent, the young athlete, or the coach? And what do you as a sports parent do if you want your child to set goals, but the coach doesn’t focus on this issue?

These are great questions that we recently discussed with Kurt Stahura, associate professor in the Department of Recreation and Sport Management at the William F. Harrah College of Hotel Administration. He has a degree in sport sociology.

Stahura says that especially for teams, the goals should be clear from the get-go. That way, parents and sports kids are less likely to get upset, angry or feel hurt.

Setting goals or guidelines for playing time is one example.

“If you have an elite travel baseball team, if the coaches say, ‘Our goal is to win, we won’t have equal playing time and we’ll have extensive travel,’ being proactive like that is better for everyone,” Stahura says.

That way, the parent won’t say later, “My child isn’t getting enough playing time,” he says. Or if parents do say this, the coach can remind them that the goals and expectations were set and communicated up front.

If your child’s coach does not set either team or individual goals, and you think it’s a great idea to set them, Stahura suggests you approach the coach in a diplomatic fashion.

Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we agree. Rather than telling the coach he or she is doing something wrong, you might say, “Hey, I read this e-book at Kids’ Sports Psychology about goal setting and I’d like to show it to you and see what you think.”

Parents and coaches can help kids set goals. They need to establish:

1. Long-term or dream goals,

2. Intermediate,

3. Short-term, and

4. Immediate–or what we call process goals.

This last group helps kids stay grounded in the moment, which is critical to building confidence.

Kids need to take a multi-disciplinary approach to improving. They can set many different goals beyond improving their performance or scoring goals. Young athletes can set practice goals, mental game goals, fitness goals and nutrition goals.

Ideally, young athletes, with their parents’ support, will work with their coaches to establish their goals and objectives. It’s critical for parents, coaches and young athletes to be on the same page when it comes to goal-setting.

We always include an important warning when we talk about setting goals. Kids shouldn’t over-do it. Perfectionists will set goals and see them as a task to master. This can burn them out. Instead, they need to see goals as general guidelines that can be evaluated and changed.

Do you want to learn more about how to improve your sports parenting skills and help your kids make the most of their physical talent by setting goals and improving their mental game? Visit:

Kids Sports Psychology

At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we’ve got lots of resources about goal setting, improving confidence, kicking perfectionism and other topics. For example, our exclusive members have access to:

*“Drive for Success, How Young Athletes Can Achieve Their Goals,” an e-book written for sports kids;

*Our “Inside The Minds of Young Athletes” video series, interviews with young athletes plus Dr. Cohn’s analysis of the kids’ mental game;

*Audio interviews with experts like Stahura.

Want to know what folks are saying about our programs?

“Kids’ Sports Psychology is a great website, by the way. It’s one of the best I’ve been on. It’s really, really helpful.”

~Gavin Clark, PGA England

Teach your sports kids and their coaches how to set appropriate goals in sports! Become a member of Kids’ Sports Psychology:

Kids Sport Psychology

Sincerely,

Lisa Cohn and Dr. Patrick Cohn

P.S. Exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology members can listen to our interview with Stahura by clicking here:

Expert Interview with Kurt Stahura

In fact, that’s one of his main goals as director of coaching for the boys’ and girls’ soccer teams at Highland High School. It’s likely one of the reasons he won the Medina County Coach of the Year for three years in a row.

Why do we at Kids’ Sports Psychology think this topic is so important? We believe that when kids learn mental game skills in sports, they benefit in most other areas of their lives. That’s a huge plus.

What are the skills we’re talking about and how can parents and coaches ensure kids acquire them? Zufall has lots to say about this. So do we.

At Highland High School, Zufall has found that sports kids learn time-management and team-building skills and have learned how to intertwine their individual goals with team goals. They also learn how to focus for long periods of time. In fact, many of his players have earned all-academic team awards.

“These skills help them quite a bit outside of soccer as far as academically. This is important, because, as we all know, our athletic careers are short compared to the rest of lives,” he says.

Parents play a huge role in ensuring kids acquire these skills, he says. For example, many of the parents he works with block out time during the day to check in with their sports kids and ensure they’re learning the life skills they need to learn.

“They say, ‘This is what we’ve done throughout the day, are we prepared for tomorrow?’ This helps kids prepare for the next day or so,” he says.

Being prepared helps young athletes feel more confident in sports—and that boosts their confidence academically, as well.

For Zufall, one of the toughest skills for many kids is learning to pay attention to detail. That’s where sports play a huge role, he says.

“The more they pay attention to details, the more successful they are,” he says. For example, the kids who pay attention to details know how to warm up and cool down properly and are less likely to sustain injuries.

They have the mental toughness to hang in through a long and grueling season, he says. Coaches who provide regular feedback help sports kids learn how to focus on important details, he adds.

“The mental preparation involved in soccer transfers over to life,” he says. “Kids are better able to understand what teachers are asking them, and how to prepare and execute.”

If you’d like to learn more about how to help kids learn mental game skills in sports that help them succeed in other areas of their lives, visit:

Kids’ Sports Psychology

You’ll find articles, e-books, audios and videos—all designed to help you become a better sports parent and help your athletes make the most of their talents!

For example, to help your sports kids learn about preparing well:

The e-book, “Using ‘Get Ready’ or Pregame Routines,” written specifically for young athletes;

Pre-competition Mental Game Review Sheets–for young athletes;

Mental Game Plan Summary–for sports parents and coaches

You’ll find many more resources–all designed to help your young athletes make the most of their talent and reap all the important benefits of playing sports.

How do sports parents view our programs? Here’s an email that came across our desk today:

“Hi LISA and PAT! I think you guys are the best. You are really doing a wonderful job.”
~Oral, sports dad

Help your kids get the most of their sports experience. Visit Kids’ Sports Psychology and take a free tour:

Kids’ Sports Psychology

Sincerely,

Lisa Cohn and Patrick Cohn, Ph.D.

P.S. If you are a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, go here to listen to our interview with Zufall:

Expert Interview with Billy Zufall

Too often, well-meaning parents lose perspective in youth sports. We admit it. We’ve done it ourselves. We’ve found ourselves yelling from the sidelines, enrolling our kids in too many athletic camps, traveling teams and training sessions. We’ve criticized coaches and felt competitive and jealous about the success of our kids’ team-mates—just to name a ew no-nos.

Sure, we’re all human. But here’s the problem: If we can’t retain some perspective about youth sports, our kids are the ones who suffer. They get burnt out and lose their love of sports. Says Dave Giffels, a coach who speaks to basketball and football teams, “Parents are grooming kids to play Division 1 or be big-time players. They lose perspective on whether their kids will be the next Michael Jordan. They lose focus on what sports are all about.”

Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we like to remind parents about what sports are all about. We remind you that kids learn life lessons from sports. They learn about working as a team. They acquire important social skills and they discover how to lose with grace–just to name a few. All these skills help them succeed as adults and in the workplace.

So, we’re back to the original question. What does it mean to “excel?” We believe excelling means learning these critical life lessons, having fun and learning new skills. How can we as parents best ensure our young athletes excel and get the most out of youth sports?

First of all, take a step back. Ask yourself: Are you too invested in your child’s success? Be honest with yourself. Understand that if you’re too invested, your child may feel pressured or may play simply to please you. These will undermine the child’s performance and enjoyment of sports.

Second, try to strike that delicate balance between being over-invested and under-invested. Be a good cheerleader, which means cheer for all the members of the team–not just your child. Support the coach. Don’t try to coach your child yourself–especially during practices and games. If you do, your child will feel confused about which “coach” to listen to.

Help your child focus on playing in the moment, rather than on the score or win. This will help your child take more risks, perform better and enjoy sports more. If you’d like to learn more about being the ultimate sports parent, we’ve got loads of resources for you at Kids’ Sports Psychology.

For starters, we have e-books written specifically for kids, parents and coaches. Plus videos for kids, parents and coaches, expert interviews, articles and more. For example, exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology members have access to:

• E-book for young athletes: Growing from Adversity: How to Stay Confident After Failure
• Inside the Minds of Young Athletes Video Series: Interviews with young athletes and commentary about their mental game from Dr. Patrick Cohn
• Expert Interviews, like our new interview with Giffels about the need for parents to retain perspective.

Here’s what members are saying about Kids’ Sports Psychology:

“I especially like the mental game videos that we can watch together. I think the pre-game stuff is cool and the lessons on confidence, coping with doubt, and trust are worth their weight in gold.”

~Dr. Adam Glantzman, Sports Parent

Help your kids make the most of their talent, have fun and stay in sports!

Kids Sport Psychology

Sincerely,

Lisa Cohn and Dr. Patrick Cohn

P.S. Exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology members can listen to our interview with Giffels by clicking here:

Youth Sports Interview with Coach Giffles

Here are just a few causes:

• They doubt their abilities
• They’re perfectionists and expect too much
• Their parents pressure them too much

When kids don’t believe in themselves, they hurt their performance and enjoyment of sports.

Kymber Veautour, a Top Warner cheer coach who has garnered two national wins, says this is the main problem that hurts her team members’ mental game. But she has lots of ideas for overcoming this challenge.

“I continuously have to be an advocate for the children on my teams. For some reason they have blocks that lead them to failure. I tell them the only thing that’s stopping themselves is themselves.”

One of the problems, says Veautour, is parents. They have a hard time striking that fine balance between pushing kids too hard and simply supporting them, she says. It’s a hard balance to achieve, she adds.

“Strong involvement from parents can be detrimental,” she says. At the same time, parents need to be supportive. They can’t back off entirely.

“You can see the effects on kids. They try so hard to please their parents. It affects everything they do.”

Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we agree with Veautour and believe that a number of other factors affect whether kids believe in themselves…

Often, for whatever reason, kids embrace beliefs that cause them to doubt themselves. For example, they give themselves negative labels. “I’m not a good tumbler,” they say. Sometimes, external factors are the influence. One example is coaches who only focus on the negative.

Here’s the good news. Veautour—who after all, has garnered a few national championships—has some strategies for helping these kids.

First of all, she tells kids to take it step by step. If they can conquer one step in cheering, they’re ready for the next. And the next…

We call this focusing on the moment—not on outcomes like wins. Kids need to focus on what they need to do right now to get the job done.

Second, Veautour removes labels. She tells kids they’re all cheerleaders—not bad tumblers or bad jumpers. She reminds them that they’re all good at something.

Third, Veautour works one-on-one with kids who have had bad days. She doesn’t focus on the negatives, but reminds them that tomorrow is another day. “I tell them to go home, take a shower, relax and think about what they did. Take it one step at a time.”

And fourth, we’d like to remind parents that kids need to understand they can’t be perfect every day. It’s okay for sports kids to have a bad day as long as they grow and learn from their mistakes—instead of beating themselves up.

Want to learn more about how to be Ultimate Sports Parents and help your sports kids make the most of their physical talent? Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we can help you do just that. Our resources include e-books, articles, audios interviews like the one we did with Veautour, and videos.

For example, these resources are available to exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology members:

• Kick Fear of Failure and Perfectionism, an e-book specifically for sports kids.
• Building Self-Esteem with Equal Playing Time, an interview with expert Brian Sanders.
• When Tennis Kids Pressure Themselves to Be Perfect, an interview with Jane, a tennis pro and sports mom.

Help your kids cope with perfectionism and develop confidence faster at Kids’ Sports Psychology!

If you’re an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can listen to our interview with Veautour—which covers how she deals with Facebook use, why heavy cheerleaders inspire others and other issues.

He says many athletes seek external rewards, such as trophies, admiration from coaches and parents, poularity, and scholarships.

The problem with what he calls an “outside-in” mindset: The rewards are fleeting, and don’t sustain young athletes, he says.

“When you value something from the inside, when you’re striving to reach your potential, master a skill or do well, regardless of whether you win or lose, you’re climbing that ladder and reaching achievement or a level of accomplishment,” he says.

These inside motivators are more likely to sustain young athletes and allow them to grow and enjoy sports, he says.

What does this mean for you as sports parents, you might ask…

If you want kids to be motivated for the right reasons and stay in sports for as long as possible, you need to think long-term. Think internal rewards—not external.

Don’t offer to pay them for scoring goals. Don’t focus only on garnering scholarships. Don’t suggest that they only do well if they score goals or win.

Instead, you want to help them feel motivated from within. You can do that by focusing on small goals–such as passing well or being good team-mates.

Instead of offering to pay them to score goals, make sure you do the same thing after every game–win or lose. That might mean taking kids out for ice cream–win or lose.

Help them understand why they like sports. For example, they might like playing with friends, feeling challenged by the game, or learning new skills. Focus on these positive feelings.

Want to learn more about how to instill self-motivation and boost your young athletes’ confidence and success in sports? At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we’ve got loads of resources for you:

*E-books to help parents learn how to instill confidence, not pressure in young athletes.

*E-books written specifically for young athletes to help them overcome common mental game challenges.

*Videos for parents and kids to learn mental game skills together.

* Sports psychology articles, audio interviews, checklists and Q and As.

For example, if you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access our audio interview with Mango, “The Need for an Inside-Out Mindset in Sports,” for free.

Here’s what one coach said about the strategies we share at Kids’ Sports Psychology:

“I use your tips to help a sophomore high school student athlete. Last night, after I gave him some of your email tips – relax, get in the flow of the game, have fun, play by instinct, etc. – he busted loose for a career high 20 points and 15 rebounds!”
~Bob Heidkamp

Help your kids stay in sports and be motivated for the right reasons:

Kids’ Sports Psychology

Sincerely,

Patrick Cohn and Lisa Cohn

P.S. If you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access our interview with Mango here:

Youth Sports Interview with Kirk Mango About Kids’ Mindset in Sports

That’s a good question, and the answers are not so obvious. Read on to get tips from Olympic fencer Tim Morehouse, who says his parents knew just how to support him as he grew into an Olympic athlete.

“I was very fortunate,” he says. “My parents encouraged me to do different things that I loved.”

The key, when kids are very young, he says, is to start slowly.

“When your kids are first trying a sport out, make sure they have enough time to try it out and enjoy it. In the beginning, I didn’t like fencing. Over time, I realized I loved it.”

Starting slowly also means playing once a week or so, he says. Too often, kids start playing two or three times a week. That’s too often, in his opinion. “See how it goes, evaluate it. After three months, decide if you want to add practices.”

If your child enjoys the sport, it’s a good idea to focus on the importance of working hard. But that doesn’t mean micro-managing your child’s experience, he says. That’s where the delicate balance between supporting and pressuring comes in.

“My parents encouraged me to work hard,” he says. At the same time, they wanted him to develop his own passions. For example, he started out as a baseball player, then switched to fencing. When he decided to switch, they supported him 100%.

Micro-managing, on the other hand, would involve attending kids’ games and yelling at them, Morehouse says.

Here at Kids’ Sports Psychology, we agree that parents have to strike a balance between pressuring their kids and supporting them. We’ve got lots of additional tips for parents who aim to support without pushing.

For example, you should set high, yet attainable goals for your kids and offer them opportunities to fulfill their potential. Focus on small improvements. For example, golfers can learn simple tasks like keeping their heads down while putting. These small improvements will help kids feel successful.

Want to learn more about how to motivate kids without pressuring them? Want to learn more about how to help sports kids make the most of their physical talent?

At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we’ve got a great e-book for you: “Motivate Young Athletes in Sports and Life.” If you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can download the e-book for free.

Here’s what people are saying about Kids’ Sports Psychology:

“Using resources from the Kids’ Sports Psychology website, especially the worksheets, my son became much calmer and more focused during competitions. He was able to perform instead of worrying what others thought or what others were scoring.”
–Sports Mom

Learn how to encourage your kids in sports without pressuring them:

Kids’ Sports Psychology

Sincerely,

Lisa Cohn and Patrick Cohn, Ph.D.

P.S. If you’re an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology, visit this page to access our e-book about positive motivation for kids:

Motivate Young Athletes in Sports and Life Ebook

It’s critical for your kids to feel confident—to believe in their abilities—in order to realize their physical potential. Confidence helps them bounce back after mistakes, hang in there when things get tough, transfer the skills they learn in practice to competition, and much more!

“You still have to have confidence. If you don’t have confidence, you can forget about it. Every time you go up, you have to have a good feeling. You have to think you’re going to get a hit. If you don’t, you’re out before you even go to the plate.”
~Derek Jeter, pro baseball player

We want to help you boost your kids’ confidence in youth sports–that’s our mission actually. But, we need your help…

How do your kids lose confidence in sports? What experiences or which people take it away? Many of you have written to us already:

“How do I help my young athlete believe in herself and bring herself out of a negative slump?”

“How do we find ways to help our child feel good about herself with a coach who favors certain players, gives them more playing time, and benches the players who are not producing in the way he wants them to?”

“My biggest challenge is trying to help my child build confidence in her abilities…She does great during practices, but self-doubt seems to overtake her during a game.”

“My daughter’s self-confidence is at an all-time low due to negative comments from her coach and negative self-talk.”

Please share with us your stories. For example, high expectations from parents and coaches, perfectionism, doubt, criticism and fear of failure are top on our list of confidence busters for young athletes.

How does a lack of confidence affect kids’ play? Kids who lack confidence will often derail their own success, play tentatively, experience trouble bouncing back from mistakes, and yell at themselves–to name just a few.

Here’s the good news: Our goal is to help you boost your kids’ confidence and success in sports. Help us achieve our mission by sending us your stories about what hurts and what helps kids’ confidence in sports.

Please share your stories or experiences below:

We look forward to your input!

Sincerely,

Lisa Cohn and Patrick Cohn, Ph.D.
www.youthsportspsychology.com
www.kidssportspsychology.com

P.S. Your input is critical to helping us help you better. Please share with us how your kids lose or gain confidence in sports below:

However, here’s the “But.” And it’s a big one.

During a game, she says, you wouldn’t know her son excels in practice.

Does this sound familiar? Do your sports kids have trouble transferring skills from practice to games? Read on to learn how sports parents and coaches can conquer this challenge.

During a game, this parent says, her son plays with no confidence. “He says he is afraid of losing the ball. He wouldn’t lose the ball if he applied his skills.”

This sports parent put her finger right on a common problem: Fear and lack of trust. That’s often what holds kids back during games. In fact, young athletes who are highly motivated and –sometimes perfectionists– experience this challenge.

These athletes love to train, but lack confidence during games. They tend to analyze and question their technique at precisely the wrong moment—when they’re competing. They’re afraid of making mistakes.

In order to feel confident during games, young athletes need to strike a balance between what we call the “practice” mindset and the “performance” mindset.

Many motivated or goal-oriented athletes excel in practice. They like to improve and love to train.. However, if they focus too much on improving, they may lose faith in their skills during competition. They lack trust in what they have learned.

Coaches and sports parents can undermine kids’ trust in their skills when they over-coach kids before games. When kids focus too much on proper technique during games and attempt to be “perfect” when performing, they can’t react or perform from memory.

Instead, you need to encourage kids to leave practice on the field or court or in the gym. Help them switch to a “performer” or “intuitive” mindset. They need to be more reactive and to keep things simple. “See the ball and hit it.”

Also, tell them to stop analyzing or judging their technique during competition. They should accept that they can’t be perfect.

Want to learn more about how to improve kids’ confidence and transfer what they’ve learned in practice to competition? Grab our Kids’ Sports Psychology e-book, “Twelve Pre-game Strategies to Help Athletes Trust in Their Skills.”

If you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can download the e-book now. We also have other mental toughness resources about this topic, including:

• Success stories from Kids’ Sports Psychology Members
• Pre-competition Mental Game Review Sheets for Young Athletes
• Interviews with young athletes and our analysis of their mental
  game (“Inside the Minds of Young Athletes”)

This is just for starters. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download loads of other resources–e-books, audios, videos and articles designed to help instill confidence and success in young athletes:

Kids’ Sports Psychology

Your Confidence Coaches,

Patrick Cohn, Ph.D. and Lisa Cohn

P.S. If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can visit this page to download our e-book, “Twelve Pre-game Strategies to Help Athletes Trust in Their Skills:

“Twelve Pre-game Strategies to Help Athletes Trust in Their Skills”