The Problems with Favoritism in Youth Sports Athletes
Sports parent Michael Sands is unhappy with what he calls favoritism at Beverly Hills High, where his son plays football.
The coaches are all volunteers, but on weekends, they coach certain kids—for a fee. This puts the young athletes who get extra coaching on weekends on a different playing field than those who don’t get the extra coaching, he says. They’re more likely to be favored by the coaches.
This type of scenario is common in youth sports. Sometimes, certain young athletes are invited to take part in summer sports camps, and they are more likely to get picked to play on their school teams. Of course, this is very hard on the kids who aren’t invited. It hurts their confidence.
But that’s not the only scenario that can hurt kids’ confidence. Certain young athletes are favored by their coaches even if there is no outside coaching. The coaches may like these kids’ attitude, or physical prowess, or may be influenced by what other adults say about these kids.
If you feel your athlete’s confidence is suffering because of these kinds of favoritism, there are a number of things you can do.
First of all, you can talk to the coach. But you have to be very careful about how you approach him or her.
Find a time when the coach is free and not distracted. Avoid talking to a coach right after a game. Be polite.
Don’t accuse the coach of favoritism or put the coach on the defensive. You might simply ask what you can do to ensure your child improves enough to get more playing time, or to make the team.
It’s also really important for your young athletes to learn how to cope with the reality of favoritism. Your athletes need to learn how to stop making comparisons with other kids—even if the coach favors these other kids.
Instead of focusing on the child favored by the coach, your athletes need to focus on themselves. They should identify their strengths, and concentrate on them.
What’s more, your athletes should not assume people are judging them, analyzing them, or talking about them.
You athletes should concentrate on themselves and improving their skills. In addition, kids should not try to play or perform like the favored athletes. They need to be themselves and take advantage of their strengths.
Want to learn more about how to improve your parenting skills and ensure your kids get the most of their talent?
At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we have loads of resources for you, including the following e-books. If you’re already an exclusive Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access them for free: They include:
- Appreciate Your Talents: How to Avoid Making Comparisons and Intimidating Yourself (for sports kids
- Growing From Adversity: How to Stay Confident after Failure (for sports kids)
- Building Self-Confidence in Sports—for Kids 10 and Under
- 7 Strategies to Help Sports Kids Stay Composed after Making Mistakes
But that’s not all. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download more than 17 e-books—some written for parents and some specifically for sports kids.
You can also access audio and video programs that improve your sports parenting skills and boost kids’ confidence. Help your sports kids reap all the physical, emotional and social benefits of taking part in sports:
Sincerely,
Patrick Cohn, Ph.D. and Lisa Cohn
P.S. If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can visit this page to download our “Appreciate Your Talents” e-book:
“Appreciate Your Talents” e-book
My son has played select sports since he was 9. Why is it that there are some players the coaches favor because of daddy’s last name? Every team we have participated in seems to have the same recurring theme, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Bottom line, what I have learned, as a parent, is that your son may be the most talented, the fastest and earned his position, only to have a coach crush his efforts by giving, and I mean giving, the starting position/playing time to a less deserving player simply because of who the parents are.
Kids get to an age when they begin to question and understand the “adult political game”. I’m not going to lie to my son when he asks “Why is … starting in my position when I’ve completed more passes, carried more yards and run faster?” Now at 13, he understands right from wrong and hard work makes a person better. We are trying to teach him that he must earn respect and reward, that it is not something that is just given away, although these coaches keep proving us wrong.
I really don’t want to sound bitter, because I love watching my son play but every single coach has lied to us or went back on their word only to self-satisfy relationships with those who may benefit his agenda. It’s really sad and has only taught my son to cautiously trust his coaches.
Favoritism is a big issue with my daughter’s high school tennis team. Unfortunately, the coach year after year chooses the athletes for the varsity team based on their parents. If the parent helps during practice then special consideration is given to that athlete. Some of these athletes have horrible attitudes and don’t even want to be on the team, but are only there because of their parents. It’s sad when my daughter does everything the coach asks, has a good attitude and then is passed over for another athlete. It’s very hard to explain why this happens. It’s a definite blow to her confidence. My answer is to not complain to the coach (yet – I would like to have some conversation with him about why she’s been passed over), but become more active in the parent side. School athletic meetings, practices, etc. This is a hard lesson for my daughter, but does happen in the outside world quite a bit.