When Coaches Yell, Insult and Intimidate Sports Kids
Have your sports kids ever had a coach who yelled at, insulted or intimidated them? If so, read on. We’ve got some tips—and warnings—for you about what we call “bully coaches.”
First of all, our warning. Coaches who teach by being negative or intimidating can really hurt your kids’ confidence and enjoyment of sports. No, these coaches do NOT toughen up your young athletes, as they might insist. They don’t improve kids’ performance, either.
Actually, coaches who bully—either with harsh words or physical harm—can hurt young athletes’ self-esteem, undermine their social skills and make it hard for them to trust. In some cases, these coaches can make kids feel anxious and depressed.
What’s more, coaches who use such negative feedback are generally focused too much on one thing: winning the game or competition. They give kids the message that winning is everything. That makes kids focus too much on outcomes—such as the score or win. It can prevent them from reaping the social and emotional benefits of taking part in sports.
Focusing too much on the score or win also can hurt kids’ performance. They often develop fear of failure. That means they stop taking risks and they play too tentatively. That’s because they’re afraid the coach will yell at them.
Watch for signs that your sports kids are being bullied. They may be afraid of the coach, focus too much on trying to impress the coach, and they may be afraid of going to practice. They may say they want to quit the team.
You, as parents and coaches, can do a lot to help kids who are bullied by their coaches. If you see or hear about a coach who yells at, intimidates or insults kids, you should take action. If you merely sit back and complain, you’re part of the problem. Instead, you need to begin by talking to the coach. You can gently suggest that his or her behavior may hurt kids’ confidence.
If that doesn’t work, you can file a complaint with the coach’s superiors in the league. If nothing else works, you should consider finding a new team for your young athlete.
Want to learn more about coaches who bully in sports? We recently completed an article about this topic. If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, you can access it here:
Coaches Who Bully Kids and What Parents Can Do
At Kids’ Sports Psychology, we offer loads of resources designed to help improve your sports parenting skills and your young athletes’ enjoyment of sports. For example, members can download these e-books:
- Appreciate Your Talents: How to Stop Making Comparisons
- 12 Pre-game Tips to Help Kids Trust what they Learned in Practice
- 7 Strategies to Help Sports Kids Stay Composed after Making Mistakes
But that’s not all. At Kids’ Sports Psychology, you can download more than 17 e-books—some written for parents and some specifically for sports kids. You can also access audio and video programs and articles that help you and your young athletes get the most out of their physical talent. We’ll soon be offering more resources about bullying in sports—a topic that our readers say they need help with.
Help your sports kids reap all the physical, emotional and social benefits of taking part in sports:
Kids’ Sports Psychology for Parents and Coaches
Sincerely,
Patrick Cohn, Ph.D. and Lisa Cohn
P.S. If you’re already a Kids’ Sports Psychology member, remember to visit this page to read our article about coach bullies:
Coaches Who Bully Kids and What Parents Can Do
While I am sure there are coaches that bully kids there are equally as many parents that bully coaches. I have been involved in coaching for several years and I have never seen the kind of parents that now exist in sport. They will discipline their kids, they expect a winning team without any support of the coaches. they will not push their kids to be the best they can be. It is terrible. I am a caring coach that worries about her athletes and it is ruined on a daily basis by parents that coddle their kids and expect lots but are not prepared to stand by the coach. They always believe their kid, never believe the coach and all the way around I am not sure why people coach. It is a love for the sport but parents need to back off and let their kids deal with their issues and find a backbone.
Hello Dr. Cohn,
I agree with you about “bully coaches”.
Bully coaches are prevelant in our school system from the high school down to 7th grade.
The younger coaches played basketball for the varsity coach and they were all mentored by him.
Last year I coached my son’s 6th grade travel basketball team. The boys had a great time, played very well and won 80% of their games. They were not afraid to make mistakes and played freely. I rarely yelled at them and never embaressed any of my players but didn’t coddle them either. We worked on fundamentals in practice and executed them in games. Our conditioning was done in meaningful and fun drills. Some parents commented that their sons enjoyed going to practice.
This year I attended the 7th grade games and watched the same group of boys play with apprehension and fear of making mistakes. You wouldn’t believe it was the same team!
When I watch the high school kids, they head to the bench when they make a mistake because they know they are coming out. The coach screams at the players on the court and doesn’t even look at them when he takes them out! These teams nearly always lose the game if it is close because fear takes over. How would anyone like to play for a coach that calls the team “his worst ever”?
I have also noticed that bully coaches like to ensure that they are friends with the athletic director and would be very difficult to remove. We have decided to send our son to another school system.
In regards to Jan’s comments about parents, that is another issue. There are some crazy parents out there who are living their lives through their children. Fortunately, I only had to deal with two of them!
Regards,
Doug
I know there are coaches that bully their athletes but I also agree with Jan that the many parents bully their coaches as well.
I am a very caring and dedicated coach of a very competitive 12 year old girl’s national club team. I coach because I love the kids, the sport and it is my way of giving back to a sport that has been more than kind to me over the years. The parents who think they can bully a coach do sapp the fun out of coaching. To combat that and to help my kids with the mental part of their game I have submitted myself to coaching the parents in addition to coaching my athletes. I try to coach my parents in reference to being positive with their ahtletes and help them release their athlete to the sport. I have to admit it is hard work but it is paying big big dividends and thus so worth my effort. The kids are the winners in the end and after all it is all about them.
Sometimes parents are the root cause of under-performance. The team just won a large tournament this past weekend and one of my parents of an athlete who had a great week of practice and a great tournament told her child some very negative pre-practice advice when dropping her off for practice and the child had a horrible practice. I talked to the ahtlete and then the parent after practice and got to the bottom of it. I was appalled at what I heard she told her child. I am quite sure the ride home from the tournament took all the fun out of the tournament for that athlete as well. It sure took the wind out of my sails from the great tournament the two days earlier. I can’t tell her how to parent but I can help that ahtlete while she is on my court and to help teach her how to shut off the outside interference and focus once she steps on the court.
High school coaches are the worst sport coach bullies in my opionion. They know they have you trapped and you cannot do anything about it except transfer to a different school – which in my opinion is not a reason to transfer. My daughter was bullied to death by her high school coach and the worst thing is I don’t even think the coach had a clue she was even doing it. The verbal degrading and abuse was almost unbearable. Girls generally do not have an over abundance of confidence so a coach can wipe it out in a single season. My daughter just kept saying I can’t wait until club season – it was sad to witness but I worked hard to try and undo all the damage the high school coach was doing to my daughter. It would be nice if coaches who bully their ahtletes could be voted out of high school sports.
I have coached soccer at just about every level and also have a “sometimes” sports child.
I would agree that many coaches default to what I call “evaluating instead of teaching”. This happens at many levels, to the extreme of “bullying”
I also think that parents are not patient enough to let growth experiences develop in sports, some to the level of “rescuing” immediately.
I think that reducing educational materials to the topic of “bullying” only takes care of half of the equation.
Both coaches and parents need to be consistently reminded and educated on what the youth sports experience is supposed to be about … developing people.
My son has been involved with competitive swimming for 10 years and I have seen enough bullying in sports to last 10 life times. Out of over 10 coaches, my son had 2 that were against bullying. The others either bullied or condoned it. One coach would scream insults, putdown and humiliate the kids that didn’t train or perform to his satisfaction. Other coaches would simply ignore the bullying and say it just part of growing up. Another coach said that it isn’t bullying unless it involves physical violence. This year, my son missed a lot of practice sessions as he prepared for grade 12 exams. He got 90% on his exams. Instead of congratulating him, the coach said he was ashamed of him for putting school ahead of his swimming, afterward; the coach ignored my son and refused to coach him.
I have to say that many of these coaches react to bullying parents and that most parents are obsessed with winning. They yell and scream at their kids and the coach and they join the club boards to make sure they get their way by threatening the coach if he/she doesn’t bully the kids.
Last year my son made Canada Games. The kids that didn’t make the team severely bullied my son. They called him names, humiliated him, smashed his possession, spit on him, urinated in his locker, slammed him into the wall and finally threatened him with a knife. What happened when the coach and the main sports organization found out? They made the bullies apologize, banned them from competing for 6 months and put them on probation. What happened to my son? He was forced to leave the swim club and move elsewhere as the bullies parents were on the board and not one parent on the board saw anything wrong with what the bullies did. The bullies were welcomed back to the club like heroes and allowed to practice.
And then the government wonders why kids today are not active and obese. It’s safer and cheaper to just sit at home and play video games. Sports are the home of bully parents and their kids.
my problem is with coaches is that the parents that coach feel “entitled” to let their kids play the whole game. My son plays rec pee-wee football, where everyone should play. there have been many kids drop out because the coach sits them during games while their kids play offense and defense the whole game. I have approached the coaches, and they are so arrogant. They feel that they should run up some statistics for their kids so that they will get drafted in the NFL. Mind you, that they are inteh 4th grade. It’s ridiculous. The head coach even told me that he doesn’t want to coach kids that aren’t “commited” to pee-wee football. Hell, he’s got kids that want to play sitting onthe sidelines. Even in their last game, two players sat the entire game except for the last play! And that play they just let the clock run out. What a load of BS! Next season, my son will try the Pop Warner League, instead of the snobby Kinnelon Rec.
I just sat and read these stories, it breaks my heart. I hope the following contributes to discussion on the topic. I’m frustrated by the ‘professionalization’ of youth sport (at an increasingly younger age) by parents/adults (includeing sport leaders) living vicariously through their child/athlete. When I was young I played football (mostly in the school yard with my buddies, ice hockey when there was natural ice and baseball – always with my friends, oganized for the most part with/by my friends; sport was more a leisure activity, a right of passage, a trial by fire if you wish, where an athlete took risks (make a decision to go left or right) and execute a ‘good move’ (cheered by team mates) or ‘not so good move (laughed at my teammates), where we tested our limits (were no subs), which allows us to grow (behold the tortise he only makes progress when he sticks his neck out). I had coaches that yelled at me, I had good coaches and bad coaches but seasons were short and I was on teams with kids I knew, I was part of a ‘player pathway’ to the NHL or CFL (there was no draft) if you were good you moved to the top, if you weren’t so good you kept the dream and played for the ‘love of the game’. I’m a PE (formelrly early and middle years now high school) teacher and have coached all the sports (hasard of trade) and I’ve been a rugby coach for the last 35 years and a player (still active) in my 43rd year (leanred the game as teen ager) and just recently we (rugby) have taken the professional rules (rugby union has now been a professional sport around the world for just over a decade) and applied them to the ‘grassroots’ (which used to be young men but now includes youth) game. many ‘non/less athletic’ (we used to claim there was a place for every player regardless of shape or ability – rugby clubs have several sides) players are leaving the game as leadership caters to ‘national championships’, ‘world ranking’ and finding the future stars. Nobody has asked the ‘grassroots player’ what is truly important to them about playing the game. I try to put the athlete at the center of every program I’ve been involved with, but I’m increaslingly frustrated by the demands of sport leadeership, the ‘entitle child’ and the ‘entitled attitude’ of parents, where they believe their child in ‘special’ – my attitude is ‘they are all special’. I know that there are great programs out there run by caring people developing wonderful future leaders/citzens. Sometimes I get carried away I let my passion out! Hopfully this time it helps discussion/debate regarding how we behave. As much as I love sport (rugby in particular) it is after all ‘just a game’ – incidently I don’t remember all the games I’ve played much less the scores. Bless those who give a child a good sporting opportunity, be it a parent, coach, administrator – a good example might be worth more than we think.
I AM GUILTY! One of the reasons I stumbled across this website is because I am a frustrated but well-meaning mother that has put pressure to perform on my children. Now that I’m aware of it, I don’t know how to undo the damage I’ve done nor do I know how to address the orginal issue that led to my behavior. Although, I am counting on the information here (and materials I am going to read by Dr. Cohn) to give me much needed direction.
Here’s the gist of my situation:
I have two daughters that have played competitive basketball for more than a decade, collectively. The younger (who is now a freshman in high school)has not only a height and speed advantage, but also the benefit of an older sibling that’s passed down skills to her at an earlier age. Last year, the youngest daughter even made ALL AMERICAN at a national tournament as a starter for a national championship team. No one was happier than my oldest. However, I’ve been putting pressure to perform on my youngest daughter for 2 reasons (excuses?) 1) she has dreams of playing in college and 2) she now has the same varsity coach that my oldest daughter had who mistreated her and several other girls that have since quit the team.
Last year, my oldest daughter decided to quit the team her senior year. Officially, she announced her decision to her teammates that it was because basketball was no longer her passion but that she would (and did) continue to make the games and cheer them on. Behind the scenes, the real reason was conflicts with an assistant coach who had 3 daughters on the team. The head coach and the AD are great friends with this assistant, so our attempts to discuss matters and see any positive changes proved useless. We weren’t arguing playing time, understanding it’s competitive. My family is, however, of the opinion that if an athlete is good enough to make the team, then that athlete is worth developing and made to feel like they have something to contribute. As a parent, I went respectfully and PRIVATELY to the coaches on behalf of, not only my daughter, but ALL of the girls. When I voiced my opinion of unequal treatment, the explanation was that he had one daughter imparticular that had “God-given talent” and was too fragile to treat the way he did the other girls. The head coach agreed by saying this player was the ONLY girl on the team that had that talent…and that sentiment had been voiced to the rest of the team. (???!!!) I was told that my oldest didn’t have any talent and probably shouldn’t even be playing basketball (yet she made the team ?). He said she was like one of his 3 daughters (who is 6th man in while mine sits the bench …yet they are supposedly the same skill level). So, my oldest made the decision to let the drama die, quit the team, and try not to damage her teammates in leaving. Now, my youngest daughter who won awards last year is sitting the bench this year because of this coach. It’s so bad that people keep asking how she was injured because they assume that’s why she isn’t playing. To make it worse, my youngest daughter has wanted to quit basketball altogether and has only agreed to staying if I attend every practice. She says the coach isn’t mean to her when I am around. Several families in our program are aware of what’s going on (because it’s happening to other girls on this team) but the powers that be are turning a blind eye to it because this guy has so much influence. So, to compensate, I pressured her to work harder thinking that would help but it’s only made things worse. She’s lost her confidence and is now believing the coach when he tells her she doesn’t have what it takes.
I don’t want to go to another team, although she could and probably even start. I want her to learn a life lesson about working hard and making it through an unfair, difficult situation. The truth is…I am trying to teach her something I apparently never learned. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even remember what it was like when basketball used to be fun and positive. That’s tragic.
We think you should find a team in which the coach is fair about playing time and does not play favorites, if you have tha option. Your daughter may never get the chance to use her skills based on what you said in the email.
I’m not sure if my concerns fall under the label bullying, insulting or even intimidating but certainly frustrating. My son plays ice hockey and is a goalie. He is small but very hard working and admittedly less talented than the team’s other goalie but not greatly. The biggest difference between the two goalies is commitment and attitude. The other goalie hasn’t completed a single dryland practice the entire season (5 Months) and complains and talks back to coaches almost every practice. The head coach admits and knows very well the above mentioned issues but continues to reward the other goalie with playing the important games and more games. I know your reply would be to find another team but the same problem persists on other teams and sports as well. All to often I see kids with that natural talent but lesser commitment and attitude being rewarded. It seems at an early age we adults and coaches see that kid with talent and tell them how good they are to the point that they develop an attitude of being invincible and they can’t be replaced. As they get older this attitude grows. In the mean time the committed kids with great attitudes give up and eventually find other things to do. I honestly believe we have fewer and fewer coaches with any backbone. Is it wrong to bench a player with these bad attitudes? What ever happened to leadership? What happened to teaching kids life lessons through sports? Well maybe these are life lessons for the kids who bust their tails trying to get noticed but certainly the wrong lessons for the kids who are rewarded for being lazy with a bad attitude.
Thank you for a great newsletter.
William
Can you think of any coaching situation where it would be forgivable that a coach and assistant coach had high school girls join them in throwing basketballs at another player to “teach her”? What should be done after the fact?
No, I don’t see this as a good scenario. You might want to contact the AD or principle of your school. Keep in mind that you want to have evidence when you do approach a superior.
I can relate to all of you who speak of their administrations turning a blind eye to the unprofessional, unethical, unbecoming behaviors of coaches. Many of you cite the option of taking your athlete to another school district. My spouse and I refuse to do that as we have four strong student athletes who should be able to exercise the privledge of playing on teams at their own small class C school. Has anyone chosen to take their case further than the administration?
Bullying should not be tolerated. Bullying is considered a psychological violence which impact youth development. What would be the impact of bullying? First, it will put youth’s self-esteem and confidence down. Second, youth will view bullying as normal which is not. Lastly, bullying will be acquired by youth in the long run.
I suggest that there should be a coach-parent partnership where coach and parents will talk about their roles, strategies to coach their children etc. In addition, there must be an agreement between coach and parents so that both parties know what to expect.
I had twin daughters that played basketball. The coach used to put the kids down and the kids use to play soft and scared I seen these played with other coaches and they played more relaxed and was producing. One of my twins wasnt doing anything but getting more and more frustated. I took both off the team and they both are playing great and main thing having fun. Learning to play team ball and I’m really excited about how much progress they are making just learning to be a team player.
It is a sad thing when adults don’t reconize what they are doing to these kids and what impact they have on their lives! The young players are in it to learn, have fun and be with their friends. They didn’t sign up to be put down and told they are horrible players. We have a coach with a win or lose will put the kids in a group and tell them how bad they played!! It is insane! All for the ego of the coach so he can say they won every…. What is so wrong about loseing a game!! The age for these boys are under the age of 11! If a coach is only all about winning he or she needs to step down because they are coaching for the wrong reasons! It is about the kids not the ego’s of grown men or women!